My wife and I love our kids, but we always end up giving our married daughter more than our single son and I worry he’ll resent us. What do we do?

You love your children. After all, each of them is wonderful in their own way. You enjoy visiting them and watching as their lives unfold.

But let’s say in this hypothetical situation that you and your spouse, both 68 and retired, have started offering financial assistance to your adult daughter and her growing family. Only now, you’re wondering if that show of support could sow resentment in your son, who is single and lives on his own.

It’s a common scenario for many parents. In terms of gifts, you spend about three times more on your daughter and grandchild than on your son. Although he doesn’t need any financial support, as parents, you may feel the itch to make things fair.

The silent cost

Whenever you give your adult children gifts, it’s entirely up to you on how to divvy them up. There is no right or wrong way. But if you want to avoid potential resentment between the siblings, working to make things fair could help. Even if your children don’t seem too bothered, their angst could be building beneath the surface.

According to a Multidisciplinary Digital Publishing Institute (MDPI) study (1), “children perceive it as fair when parents treat them equally to their siblings.” If things aren’t deemed equal, some children may take different approaches to rationalizing their feelings.

For example, one child might justify that the other needed more financial support than they did. Or they might think their parents got along better with their other sibling. Or, in the worst case scenario, they might allow feelings of perceived unfairness to fester into full-blown resentment, leading to family rifts down the road.

Of course, the reaction varies based on the child and the situation. It’s up to the parents to decide how they’d like to support their children, which might look different for each child. With enough foresight, parents can assuage these feelings by attempting to keep things fair.

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It’s a balancing act

If you are concerned about your son getting the short end of the stick, consider a triage approach, and most importantly, communicate.

If you are simply concerned that you spend more on your daughter’s family during gift-giving seasons, then setting an equal budget for her family and your son could easily balance the scales. If you are looking to the future, creative estate planning could help keep things fair. For example, you could leave a larger percentage of your assets to your son than your daughter, to offset any past imbalances.

One option is to build a hotchpot into your estate plans. Essentially, this estate planning tool takes financial gifts during your lifetime into account before dividing up your assets.

For example, if you gifted your daughter $10,000 to pay for your granddaughter’s education, this advance would be included in the hotchpot before any remaining assets are divided up. Meaning she would receive $10,000 less than your son.

Typically, this requires tracking large expenditures for your children. Before you start down this path, however, consider having an open and honest conversation with both your son and daughter. Make it clear that you are doing everything in your power to support them equally.

Consider asking your son if he feels left out by your generous gestures towards his sister. He might have some financial wishes you’re unaware of, or even appreciate a non-financial gesture, such as taking care of his pet while he’s at work or meeting with a handyman to resolve an issue without him having to take time off work.

If you visit either of your children for several months of the year, it might also be fair to offer them some level of compensation for this generous gesture. Again, it’s critical to communicate your wishes with your children to keep things fair, both in the here-and-now and after you’re gone.

Article sources

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MDPI: Perceptions of Fairness of Support Between Older Parents and Adult Children (1)